What Bugs Bunny Said to Red Riding Hood

Say, good lookin, what brings you out thisaway
amongst the fanged and the fluffy?
Grandma, huh?
Some ol bag too lazy to pick up a pot, too feeble
to flip a flapjack—
and you all dolled up like a fire engine
to cruise these woods?
This was your mother’s idea?
She been livin in a CrackerJack box or something?
This is a tough neighborhood, mutton chops—
you gotchur badgers, your wild boar, your
hardcore grizzlies and lately,
this one wolf’s been actin pretty big and bad.
I mean, what’s up, doc?
Didn anybody ever tell you it ain’t smart
to stick out in wild places?
Friendly? You want friendly you better
try Detroit. I mean
you’re safe wit me, sweetcakes,
but I ain’t a meat-eater.
You heard about Goldie Locks, didn’cha? Well,
didn’cha? Yeah, well, little Miss Sunshine—
little Miss I’m-so-much-cuter-than-thee—
got caught on one of her sneaky porridge runs
and the Three Bears weren’t in the mood:
so last week the game warden nabs baby bear
passin out her fingers to his pals.
That’s right. Maybe your motha should
turn off her soaps, take a peek at a newspaper,
turn on some cartoons, for Pete’s sake:
this woyld is about teeth, bubble buns—who’s bitin
and who’s gettin bit. The noyve a’that broad
sendin you out here lookin like a ripe tomata.
Why don’t she just hang a sign around your neck:
Get over here and bite my legs off!
Cover me wit mustid—call me a hotdawg!
Alright, alright, I’ll stop.
Listen, Red, I’d hate for somethin unpleasant
to find you out here all alone.
Grandma-schmandma—let’er call Domino’s.
They’re paid to deliver. Besides, toots,
it’s already later than you think—
get a load a’that chubby moon up there.
Ya can’t count on Casper tonight either.
They ran that potato-head outta town two months ago—
tryin ta make friends all the time—
he makes you sick after awhile.
Look, Cinderella, I got some candles and some
cold uncola back at my place—whaddaya say?
Got any artichokies in that basket?

Tim Seibles
“What Bugs Bunny Said to Red Riding Hood” is from Hammerlock (Cleveland State University, 2004).